Monday, September 1, 2014

Who am I

Jacob started school last Tuesday and now it's my turn this Wednesday. I'm actually really excited. Not really nervous as I would have been in the past but I am ready for this. I am so ready to close this chapter of my my life and begin a begin a new one. I'm taking two classes but next semester once I get the financial aid straightened out I *hoping* to take at least 4. If I am able to go full time, I figured I should have only about 2-2 1/2 years to get my bachelors. Everything happened at the last minute it is both exciting and overwhelming. School is something I've always wanted to finish, but I knew if I kept waiting for the "perfect time" I probably would have talked myself out of it…yet again. I don't want to be that person anymore. So with this whole change/personal growth/rock bottom thing, THIS was the perfect time.

So, Who the heck am I? I honestly couldn't tell you…that is what I am working on figuring out.   I feel silly that at 30 I am just figuring out who I am. I feel ashamed that I never figured this out before now. I was never encouraged to be myself and always was made to feel that I was an outcast for being the way that I was or liking the things I did. After getting into a rut and hitting rock bottom I've FINALLY realizing the importance of being myself. Because if you can’t like yourself, how are you supposed to like everyone else?

Even thought I don't know exactly who I am I do know I have some likes and dislikes. Sadly, in the past I've tried to ignore my own natural inclinations to try to form into this "perfect" being that everyone would like. Instead, it backfired and made me miserable, fat, and depressed, anxious, angry because I tried to be someone that I was not. I listed the things I KNOW I like and dislike on this layout. I'll talk about a few of the major likes.

Writing/Reading. To say that I like writing is an understatement. Writing is part of my soul. It always has been. For the last 7 or so years, I lost touch with this side of me.  I don't know why I love as much as I do, but I love it & I write daily. Even thought I didn't pursue it as I originally planned (before cooking/design) I hope that I can incorporate it somehow into my career, whatever that ends up being. Reading is the same thing. From middle school until my first year at college, I used to read at least a book a week. Sometimes two, if I loved a booked and couldn't put it down. I was a chain book reader. I read anything. I love books of all kinds . Still do & I'm slowly building up my collection again. No e-books for this girl!

Hip Hop/Club Style Music. For some reason this is something I've always been embarrassed by. Not really sure why. Maybe because the people I always associated with were people who like Rock or more sophisticated music. I can't listen to that. I can't really explain it, but I just don't like it. Rock makes me angry and mad and classical/soft rock makes me sad and depressed. When I listen to hip hop or club style music it makes me feel happy, motivated and energetic. I listen to to blasting while studying or cleaning and I end up learning more or doing more. It puts a smile on my face and makes me want to dance. Which brings me to

Dancing to upbeat music. I've always told people I hate dancing. Honestly though I LOVE it. This goes back to being embarrassed and insecure. I've also told people that I hate going to clubs because I hate the atmosphere and I hate dancing. But I really love it. The two times in my life that I've been to club have been two of the most fun memorable moments in my life. Those two times though, have been when I was out of the country on my own, with people that didn't know me and I felt like I could be myself….

Good balance between standing and sitting: this one may sound strange, but this more so has to do with work. I will never be able to do a job where I'm not able to walk around or stand up or do something other sit at least for a small portion of the day. I need to be able to move. I get very antsy and lose focus. One of the [only] things I love about retail and the job I'm doing now is that I get to stand. Standing for 8 or more hours doesn't bother me one bit. I actually prefer it.

The only dislike I will explain is Drawing. I like it kind of. But if I am being completely honest with myself I don't really enjoy it. I like it only when the mood strikes. It's not something I am passionate about. And that is why when I opened my Etsy store I slowly lost interest in it and had such a difficult time coming up with ideas. It's not like I didn't try -- I'd spend hours on one little element but it never felt right. Even though I thought graphic design was right, It wasn't. I thought it was right because I wasn't listening to myself, I was listening to the noise around me. For me to fully amerce myself in something, I need to have passion for it. Drawing and graphic design isn't something I have passion for. I'm going to keep it as a side thing when the mood strikes, not as a means of livable income.

Scapbooking on the other hand, I have so much passion for and could spend my entire doing. I just don't enjoy creating elements. I'll take all my elements premade thank you very much.

Do you guys something that you really dislike? Or something that you're so passionate about that it feels like it's part of your soul?

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Monday, August 25, 2014

Monday Ramblings

Hello Monday! Or Goodnight Monday, depending on how you want to look at it. Pheeww! I am finally sitting down after a busy day. I'd better get used to it because it's only going to get busier. You know that saying, Making a big life change is scary, but you know what's even scarier? Regret,  well that's what I am experiencing at the moment. I was all for all these changes  - still am -- but now it's reality.  I keep wanting to go back to my old way of thinking but then I think back to all the things I used to want out of life, and what the future will hold for me. I can't stay stuck anymore. It's going to be worth it…I have to keep repeating that to myself.

I've got another layout to share with you.

The quote I used on this layout resonated so much with me. The way I presented myself to others was the way I felt about myself; weird, uncomfortable and insecure. I had a very negative self image and was very uncomfortable with myself so in return I was very negative and uncomfortable around other people. I never realized how I portrayed myself to others affected every aspect of my life from building friendships & connecting with people, down to my finding a job.

I was chatting with a friend (not the friend I wrote about in this layout) after I went on an interview and was feeling down in the dumps because the interview had no gone well. I asked for an honest opinion of what I was doing wrong - I had always received compliments on my resume, I'm smart, I had the skills, & I was receiving interviews but never ended up getting a job - I wanted to know. Honestly.

Well I received an honest answer. That I gave off a bad uncomfortable vibe.  I thought back to innocent  comments made to me in the past year and it all started to make sense. I needed to change that. I needed to start thinking better of myself. It didn't happen right away because in all honesty, I didn't want to believe it. Then everything started to unfold with all the interactions I've had recently that I've been writing about here. It was true.

I was uncomfortable with myself so in turn, I was uncomfortable around others. Whoa. Who would have thought. It's not going to change overnight but I have gotten better. Sometimes in certain situations I find myself wanting to crawl back into my shell but then I have to remind myself…FAKE IT. It's not easy but I'm hoping eventually I don't have to fake it…one day I hope to actually be confident and comfortable in my own skin.

I hope you don't mind all these serious posts I've been writing lately. I've just been stuck in a rut both in my job and my personal life.  It feels so good to write about the things I'm learning and hopefully someone somewhere can relate and feel that they aren't alone. I wish it didn't take me until 30 to figure out all of this but the way I see it is that I'm coming out of this a much better person because of my experiences than if I had learned this in my 20's.

Well That's all I've got for today. Hope you all had a fantastic Monday!

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Thursday, August 21, 2014

If I could get a redo

Hey! Okay, so it seems as though once a week is all the time I have to fit in blogging. So far things have been going well at work. Sales is definitely not something I want to for the rest of my life or even as a career, but it really great to be able to interact with customers face to face. I love that aspect of it…selling on the other hand…we'll see how it goes. I'm not a pushy or persuasive person, so that may catch up to me. So far, if I notice someone looking at a particular item I'll approach them and tell them a little bit about it (thank goodness we carry iPads! So we can check the details). Then I ask if they want it.  (not in those words). I don't really "sell". That might catch up to me…a few couples actually complimented me on that approach. They were  grateful I didn't try to "sell" them something that they didn't want.  We'll see how it goes…

Today was a busy day. Because I am a transfer student I had to attend a workshop at the school I am going to. It consisted of a very dry professor explaining how to register for classes, how to read our degree audit, went over a map of the campus…then we had to go for placement testing. Let's just say…had I known I was going to take a test…math nonetheless…I would have studied my hiney off. Eeek.  Remember what I said about math and me? Not a good mix…rather than start at the bottom AGAIN. I will be taking the test again in 4 months and studying my butt off. It's weird, because I understand it in the moment but it doesn't stick. I guess I'm going to have to do math every day until I graduate.

You know what else? When I was going over my degree audit with an advisor, I realized A Business degree requires lots of math. How did I not realize this before? WHAT WAS I THINKING! Since untangling my sprial of confusion I vowed if I ever go back to school I am NOT ALLOWED TO CHANGE MY MAJOR. Whatever I pick. I'm sticking to it. So I'm stuck. Maybe this is some sort of sign. I guess I have no choice but to accept the challenge. I think I like stressing myself out. Lol.

On a good note: No one can accuse me of avoiding something I don't like anymore. Just in the past few months I have been thrown so far out of my comfort zone it's almost funny. Almost. No more taking the safe route.

This brings me to this:

Oh how I wish I could get a redo of my high school years. I would do so many things differently. The first thing I would do is take my academics more seriously than I did because they are oh so very important in determining your starting point for entering the real world. I didn't know that back then. So kids. Or whoever.  TAKE HIGH SCHOOL SERIOUSLY! The other thing for me that I would change is I would learn to motivate myself and not wait around for my parents to motivate me to do well. So another lesson: Kids, if your parents are pains in the butts and make you do your homework. You are lucky because they only want what is best for you. You may not realize it now, but they do. If you don't have a good support system. It's going to be a bit harder, but learn from me - you have the ability to motivate yourself. Whatever YOU want. YOU can get. You don't have to wait around for someone to give you that kick.

It's not going to be easy and I have hit a few snags - well, more than a few and still encountering them - but I am ready to prove a lot of people wrong.

Well, that’s it for the lecture. I hope you all have had a fantastic week!

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Thursday, August 14, 2014

Ramblings and a layout

Hello! I hope you all have been doing well.  I haven't forgotten about my little piece of the Web. I've just been busy. Work is finally catching up to me. But I love it!  Saturday is my last day of training.

That's going to be interesting. If it were any other weekend I would be totally fine. But since it's the Massachusetts Tax Holiday…and I now sell appliances. It’s a HUGE deal. Both Saturday and Sunday we will have all the Big shots from the District at our store…since we're the busiest, biggest store, and get the most traffic out of the 16 other stores in out district.  We have stores in our district that are in Connecticut and Rhode Island too. Not all states do this tax free thing so we're the lucky ones to get the visitors.

I'm terrified to be completely honest. I've met all of them and have spoken with them all, but MY FIRST DAY LIVE ON COMMISSION is the SECOND BUSIEST WEEKEND OF THE YEAR. I'm terrified. Because everyone will be there to judge, and observe to make sure we're doing our jobs correctly.…Yay. On the plus side, at least Saturday I will get a taste of the experience and will be prepared for Sunday (still busy, but less busy than Saturday). My role on Saturday will be to pull reports since I am not on commission yet. Should be interesting.

My manager actually asked me if I wasn't comfortable on such a crazy day going live, that they could work something out and I could be paid training pay for my shift. I actually thought about it, taking my anxiety into consideration, but I decided against it. In my weeks of training, I've sold and rung up some big sales so I think I will do okay…I will wear triple the amount of deodorant than day. I've been studying my product handbooks like crazy because when I'm nervous I tend to forget everything. I'm hoping the extra studying will help. If it were a regular weekend, I would be totally fine, but considering all the pressure there will be and all the people (upper level managers) there, it's nerve-wracking.   

 We'll see how it goes.

As I mentioned in a previous post, for the time being I'll be focusing on digital scrapbooking. With my schedule this is the only thing I have time to do. I actually love it though. I have a post in the works as to why I love it. Stay tuned. :) It will be up here eventually.

Well. I will be back next week sometime. I'll be sure to let you know how the weekend goes. It should be interesting. Have a fantastic weekend.

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Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Finally Time & a Layout

Phew! Finally a moment to sit down and finally write a post. I actually thought it was going to be harder going from 12 hours a week to 40 but the transition has been good. I'm still in training. My first day live on commission will be the second day of tax free weekend….what a week to go live. Eeeekkk. Tax free weekend is fairly new in Massachusetts…5ish years I think…but next to Black Friday it's the second busiest time I believe. (Don't quote me! Lol!). That should be interesting since I'm unofficially in training.

What do I mean? Well, there is a lot of confusion in officially transferring me to the department. I've been shadowing and actually ringing things for other associates to learn the processes so I've been doing more hands on training rather than boring computer training, which I will have to complete once they figure everything out…and more than likely after I am live and already on commission. Backwards. But it's all good. It hasn't been too busy but I've been enjoying the more hands on approach.

I even sold a fridge, a dishwasher, and a freestanding range. Yay! It's not as scary as I thought it was going to be. I forgot how much I actually like being on the sales floor and being part of the action. I'm not crazy about the drama amongst certain coworkers, but it comes with the territory…especially in a sales environment. It will be good though. I'm confident I will be fine once I'm thrown out there…I think!  LOL. I've made a few minor mistakes/slipups, but nothing that couldn't be fixed.

So, here is a layout I created about why I decided to take this job. For the time being, digital scrapbooking is the only thing I have time for. Even then when I get a minute to sit at the computer, I'm already at that zombie stage of tiredness but  I *NEED* to stay up and do something for myself because I don't have the free time I used to. Plus, if I don't carve out a little slice of time for myself to do something mindless and fun I'm going to be a grump. I'm don't like being a grump, so even if I'm in the zombie stage of tiredness, its worth that half hour/hour loss of sleep for some me time.

I'm still feeling great with all these changes going on. I feel like personally I am in a better place than I was even a few months ago. That dark cloud that was hanging over my head is finally gone. I never understood when people would say they feel like a weight has been lifted, but I really do now. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I have a clear vision of my future. Holy heck does it feel good! I guess the saying is true, that sometimes you really do need to hit rock bottom before you see that it's time for a change. In my case, it's very true. 

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Tuesday, July 29, 2014


I've really been enjoying digital scrapbooking. It's more forgiving. Ctrl+Z and your mistake is gone. If only that worked in real life, huh? That'd be awesome. I know a few moments in life that I would like to  Ctrl+Z. Actually, I know of a lot of moments that I'd like to Ctrl+Z but I can't, so the next best thing to do is use it as a lesson.

I feel so different since this epiphany. I know I keep talking about it, but I really do. I feel like a completely different person. In such a short time too. I'm not completely changed, but my attitude has completely turned around. I smile for real now. Not just to fake being happy at work or in public. I ACTUALLY am happy; something I don't think I've been for a long time. Running helps.  I am so glad I started.

The other day I didn't want to run but since this is only my second week I went anyway. The first bit was a bit rough, then I just kept going and going. I ran the longest I had run before without stopping for a walking break. It felt great. Todays run on the other hand was crappy, mainly due to the pants I was wearing….Yeah, when running make sure your pants fit so you're not pulling them up every two seconds. Oh well! Now I know.

So many things are happening. It's kind of crazy. I still am waiting for the doom to pop up on me, because that's what I have been used to the last however many years. I don't think anything too horrible  is up to bat any time soon…but there is still a little bit of skepticism. Not enough for me to stop doing what I'm doing though. I'm just going to enjoy everything. Honestly though, I think I've had enough crappy stuff happen over the last 10 years, that I'm not due for a while at least.

Okay, so now for the layout. 

This isn't my favorite but it documents the short version of why I want to go back to school. School is one of the moments I'd like to Ctrl+Z. I'd love to be able to go back to my Senior year of high school, not let the drama and insecurities affect me. I'd love to go back and put my heart and soul into my school work because I know I was much more capable of getting C's and D's. Getting an A in college algebra, my first year of college was proof that a little bit of effort goes a long way.  I'd love to go back and put the effort in and get good grades and have the whole college experience, rather than have my only option be a community college. (was my only option for a few reasons, not even just academically)  I'll stop now, because I'd essentially change my entire path. Had I done that though, I probably wouldn't be in the same place I am now. My experiences made me grateful and appreciate a lot things that most people take for granted.

One thing I wouldn't Ctrl+Z is making one more attempt to get the person that wasn't speaking to me (the straw that broke the camels back, remember?) to at least hear what I had to say about this whole experience. It worked. Granted it was only via text, but I didn't like the way we had left things off and being the person that I am, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had to try one more time before I accepted things for how they were.. I can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.  It's only been a short time, but if this person were to see me today, they would be surprised at the changes I have made.   As I said, it's so strange but I feel like a completely different person.

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Monday, July 28, 2014

Ramblings and a layout

Hey! How was everyone's Monday? I hope it was great. Mine was a relaxing do nothing kind of day. Don't you just love those? Since starting this new job I've been working 40 hours so I haven't had much time to do anything. I've been dabbling in digital scrapbooking during my free time after everyone has gone to bed. Other than that, I haven't done much else other than catch up on the news, and regular every day stuff. 

You know what's funny?  ------I'm afraid of jinxing myself but I'm going to say it anyway -----I was more tired working 12 hours a week than I am working 40. Maybe because it's new. Who knows, but I will take it. It's funny too because I thought I was going to be nervous but I am not even in the slightest. Never in a million years did I think I had the personality to sell stuff but I think I'm catching on. I feel like a new person. Honestly. That sounds weird but I do. Ever since my epiphany, it's like the dark cloud that has been hanging over my head for so long has lifted. My attitude is more positive, I wake up with more energy, things that used to bother me don't bother me anymore, I'm not afraid to put myself out there and not be as shy or try new stuff. The list goes one. It's only been a short time but I am on the road to change. I notice people even talk to me more. Before I swear I scared people away. Now, I feel like there is a whole different energy about me. I'm not afraid anymore to be myself, give my opinions, or do what I want. I've started talking about myself a bit more and opening up (fine line, people don't need to know my whole life drama) and it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. This is a good thing.  I can't thank the person enough that said what they said. Not that it was them entirely, it was more like the last straw.

My 30's are going to be good. I can feel it.

I will say this though. I *ALMOST* gave up. I was going over my budget the other day…my budget is not very big and at first I thought there was no way for me to fit in the $150 dollar deposit for school. I cried, I almost ripped up my acceptance letter (almost. Didn't), and basically threw a temper tantrum in anger. Well, I woke up the next day and told myself that I have to do it no matter what. NO GIVING UP!!! I went back to my budget and cut back on grocery budget for the next two weeks so I could write that check.

So, it's pasta, beans, homemade pizza, and frozen fruit for the next two weeks. I hope you guys aren't expecting any recipes. Hahaha!

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