Friday, September 19, 2014

Thankful

 

Someone on Facebook nominated me to write 3 things that I was thankful for 5 days. Here are some of the things I wrote:

 
I am thankful for the recent events that have happened in my life, some not so ideal, but they've snapped me back to reality and made me realize the importance of self, growth, and just overall happiness. All things that I have forgotten about over the years.

I am thankful for my love of reading and learning because without it this class on Literature and Human Rights would be brutal.

Scrapbooking: It serves two purposes; it's my creative outlet & and it allows me to record/remember things and details I would have otherwise have forgotten. 

I'm thankful for Google. Just by doing a quick Google search I can find something confusing explained in much simpler terms. Why do textbooks insists on taking 5 pages to explain something that could be said in one or two sentence??????

Music. It keeps me motivated to work (school & housework) and keeps me from sitting on my butt all day

Between being pregnant once and losing all this weight, I'm thankful for Firm fat. My family will understand this. Lol. 
 
I'm thankful for the people I've met throughout my life. Whether they realize it or even know me or not, they've taught me a lot through the interactions I've had with them.

The ability to write.

My job. Although thought I've stayed waaaaayyy longer than intended & am ready to move on, it's helped me conquer a huge portion of the social anxiety I've suffered with most of my life.
 
I am thankful for reconnecting with someone from my past. We are one of the same but at the time we were in different places then. It's great that we can put the past behind us and remain friends.
 
I'm thankful for finally starting to like/accept who I am without worrying so much about negative comments from others.
 
I'm thankful for night. I love the sun, but night seems to be when I am most creative, awake and have more focus and motivation to do things.

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Monday, September 15, 2014

What I've been up to


Hello!!!! Happy Monday!  So how are you doing today? I'm doing great. Tired. But great. As you can imagine, I've been busy.




Yup. This is pretty much all I've been doing besides work. It's okay though. I can't wait until one day to not work weird retail hours so my schedule won't be as crazy and I will feel like I do something other than study & work, but for now, it's all good. It works. That's why I am going to school, right?

I've also been drinking a lot of…



…coffee. I'm sure you could tell that by the above photo too. lol

I've also been creating some digital kits. Ugh. I know I said I don't like it. And I don't. I really don't enjoy creating and find it very frustrating, but for some reason it won't leave my mind and something in my brain is telling me to just stick it through. Here's a peek at some of the things I've made.



Can you spot a common theme?

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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Wednesday Ramblings


Today I had the day off and I had the whole house to myself. That hasn't happened since, uh, June I think. I've been working every day and have been exhausted so I took full advantage of the free time and scrapbooked all day.


Haha! I wish. I studied. I read about, and researched things pertaining to my macroeconomics class that the textbook only scratched the surface on. I don't know what I would do without Google. I finished the first book I had to read, then finalized my notes on it, in preparation for tonight's class…which, I left at home bytheway- Sitting comfortably in the same spot I had been working at.  Luckily I had another notebook with me.



I took a break here and there for lunch and tidying up. I also tried to take a photo of my conversation starter earrings to show a friend. Seriously…every time I wear these, I get so many compliments on them. I was walking back from the bathroom at work the other day and as per my usual jovial work personality, I said "Hello" to a passing customer. He stopped in his tracks, instead of saying "Hi" back he said "Whoa. I love those earring." then walked away. I love big earrings, they suit me better than small earrings.


 Majority of my day was spent doing school work. Overall, it's was a productive day. And will continue to be productive until my eyes can't stay open anymore because I have sooooo much reading and analyzing/note taking to do for my literature and human rights course. I also have a a few assignments that I have to start for macroeconomics.

This is a totally different environment than community college. I'm not taking advanced classes or anything, but the whole environment and way of teaching is completely different than what I was used to. I don't even know how to explain it. This actually feels like college. When I went there, it just felt like an extension of high school. It didn't matter what year I went. It felt the same.  But I am taking away so much more from this one semester than I ever did in my years in a community college. Maybe I finally feel that I fit in somewhere? Or because I was allowed a choice and wasn't forced to go somewhere because of the circumstances? Maybe it is because I'm older & wiser. Who knows. It could be a number of reasons as to why that is.

All I know is that this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I'm not where I want to be in life, I don't expect things to happen with the snap of my fingers, but I am headed down the right path. That is all that matters to me at the moment.

Well, my coffee is done. Time to hit the books!

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Monday, September 8, 2014

A Common Theme




So, I'm taking a Literature and Human rights course this semester. I wasn't really sure what to expect from the class, but it was the only one left that fit the requirements to obtain my degree that sounded somewhat interesting so I decided to go for it. There were a few non lab science courses, and some silly ones , like a class to learn about dinosaurs - but I prefer literature over science and wanted to really take away something from the class, so I went with this. Plus it fills two of my requirements, so I'm killing two birds with one stone. One less class to take! Whoot!


 Not only is the class with the rumored best professor on campus, it will be good for this whole confidence/speaking up for myself thing I struggle witih because participation in the discussion accounts for majority of the grade. There are no tests or quizzes, just two papers and class participation. 

One thing we talked about the first class was the importance of being yourself and standing up for your beliefs and why people are complicit. We talked about a lot of things that day - 5 pages front and back worth of written notes & 6 handouts read - but one of the things we discussed was beliefs; Whether we have a choice or not, why we should or shouldn't have a choice and who decides what choices we are allowed to make (laws, etc). We talked about values, and how they are different from one person to the next and sometimes we as humans lose sight of those values and go with the flow of everyone around use.

This layout I started before school even started but I feel that it fits perfectly into this theme of what I am writing about.



 Then we discussed the topic of when you're continuously told something you start to believe it's true, even when it's not in accordance with your internal beliefs. The example my professor  brought up was a parent continuously putting down a child to the point where they have serious self esteem issues and starts to believe what they are told, …why the heck does this theme keep popping up in my life??, or when you're not exposed to other views or opinions because you're brought up a certain way, so you believe that that is the only way of life.  Granted, all of the topics are a lot more serious than what I am going through, but I excited to learn about the struggles and triumphs of others and hear the interpretations and views of my fellow classmates.

I don't care if it sounds strange to anyone else. This is my time. This is the place I need to be. Everything is pointing me in this direction and I am really ready for this change that is happening in my life. I don't know exactly what I want anymore -did I ever, thought? Probably not. I was kind of just going along with everyone's opinions and not listening to myself -, but with the way things are going I know I will figure it out. It's not going to be easy but I just have to forge on ahead and let life work out itself one day at a time.  I'm excited to read these required books. They are different from the books I normally read, but I think they  will open up a whole new perspective for me. And I am excited.

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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Belonging




Have you ever had that feeling where you just know something is right? Today I felt that. I knew it all along with my applying to this school, but actually going to class today I knew for sure that this is where I belong and this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

After tonight's class I will be investing in coffee stock.  10 books to read this semester, one needs to be finished for next class, 4 page draft due in 3 weeks for 1 of my two 7 page minimum papers that I have to write. Many Many Many handouts to read to prepare for next weeks class discussion...I don't feel overwhelmed (yet) I feel excited actually (for now). because I wanted a challenge. I'm ready for it. (I think). And all this is just for my Literature and Human Rights class. You don't even want to see my syllabus for my macroeconomics class.

When the professor was going over the syllabus, you'd think seeing 10 required texts for the semester and a 4 page draft of a 7 page minimum  paper due in 3 weeks would overwhelm anyone. It didn't.  So far I don't feel overwhelmed. This is what I wanted. I'm not knocking community colleges but for me personally, when I attended community college I didn't feel challenged. For me, it was an easy A. I never felt like I belonged there. I went there because I HAD to. It was my only option considering my situation at the time. And I just kind of stayed stuck there. I think part of my spiral of confusion happened because I didn't feel that it was the right place for ME to be. I just stayed there for so long going in circles because I didn't have the confidence to do anything else. I was just kind of stuck. Stuck in a bad place.  Here thought, the minute I walked in to the lecture room and the professor started the class, I KNEW this was the right choice.

Now tomorrow will be spent buying those 10 books, picking up coffee in bulk :) investing in a good planner because I am bound to forget something if I don't write all this down, buying a bigger 3 ring binder - the 1 inch one I bought is not going to cut it - it's already full with handouts and 4 pages of notes -, and starting work on my macroeconomic class.


It's certainly not going to be easy but I know this is what I have to do. This is what I am supposed to do. This is where I am supposed to be.  I am so thankful and grateful for the experiences I have been through recently because they've opened my eyes to so many points that needed fixing. Things will only get better from here. I know that.




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Monday, September 1, 2014

Who am I


Jacob started school last Tuesday and now it's my turn this Wednesday. I'm actually really excited. Not really nervous as I would have been in the past but I am ready for this. I am so ready to close this chapter of my my life and begin a begin a new one. I'm taking two classes but next semester once I get the financial aid straightened out I *hoping* to take at least 4. If I am able to go full time, I figured I should have only about 2-2 1/2 years to get my bachelors. Everything happened at the last minute it is both exciting and overwhelming. School is something I've always wanted to finish, but I knew if I kept waiting for the "perfect time" I probably would have talked myself out of it…yet again. I don't want to be that person anymore. So with this whole change/personal growth/rock bottom thing, THIS was the perfect time.



So, Who the heck am I? I honestly couldn't tell you…that is what I am working on figuring out.   I feel silly that at 30 I am just figuring out who I am. I feel ashamed that I never figured this out before now. I was never encouraged to be myself and always was made to feel that I was an outcast for being the way that I was or liking the things I did. After getting into a rut and hitting rock bottom I've FINALLY realizing the importance of being myself. Because if you can’t like yourself, how are you supposed to like everyone else?

Even thought I don't know exactly who I am I do know I have some likes and dislikes. Sadly, in the past I've tried to ignore my own natural inclinations to try to form into this "perfect" being that everyone would like. Instead, it backfired and made me miserable, fat, and depressed, anxious, angry because I tried to be someone that I was not. I listed the things I KNOW I like and dislike on this layout. I'll talk about a few of the major likes.

Writing/Reading. To say that I like writing is an understatement. Writing is part of my soul. It always has been. For the last 7 or so years, I lost touch with this side of me.  I don't know why I love as much as I do, but I love it & I write daily. Even thought I didn't pursue it as I originally planned (before cooking/design) I hope that I can incorporate it somehow into my career, whatever that ends up being. Reading is the same thing. From middle school until my first year at college, I used to read at least a book a week. Sometimes two, if I loved a booked and couldn't put it down. I was a chain book reader. I read anything. I love books of all kinds . Still do & I'm slowly building up my collection again. No e-books for this girl!



Hip Hop/Club Style Music. For some reason this is something I've always been embarrassed by. Not really sure why. Maybe because the people I always associated with were people who like Rock or more sophisticated music. I can't listen to that. I can't really explain it, but I just don't like it. Rock makes me angry and mad and classical/soft rock makes me sad and depressed. When I listen to hip hop or club style music it makes me feel happy, motivated and energetic. I listen to to blasting while studying or cleaning and I end up learning more or doing more. It puts a smile on my face and makes me want to dance. Which brings me to

Dancing to upbeat music. I've always told people I hate dancing. Honestly though I LOVE it. This goes back to being embarrassed and insecure. I've also told people that I hate going to clubs because I hate the atmosphere and I hate dancing. But I really love it. The two times in my life that I've been to club have been two of the most fun memorable moments in my life. Those two times though, have been when I was out of the country on my own, with people that didn't know me and I felt like I could be myself….

Good balance between standing and sitting: this one may sound strange, but this more so has to do with work. I will never be able to do a job where I'm not able to walk around or stand up or do something other sit at least for a small portion of the day. I need to be able to move. I get very antsy and lose focus. One of the [only] things I love about retail and the job I'm doing now is that I get to stand. Standing for 8 or more hours doesn't bother me one bit. I actually prefer it.


The only dislike I will explain is Drawing. I like it kind of. But if I am being completely honest with myself I don't really enjoy it. I like it only when the mood strikes. It's not something I am passionate about. And that is why when I opened my Etsy store I slowly lost interest in it and had such a difficult time coming up with ideas. It's not like I didn't try -- I'd spend hours on one little element but it never felt right. Even though I thought graphic design was right, It wasn't. I thought it was right because I wasn't listening to myself, I was listening to the noise around me. For me to fully amerce myself in something, I need to have passion for it. Drawing and graphic design isn't something I have passion for. I'm going to keep it as a side thing when the mood strikes, not as a means of livable income.

Scapbooking on the other hand, I have so much passion for and could spend all day everyday scrapbooking. I just don't enjoy creating elements. I'll take all my elements premade thank you very much.

Do you guys something that you really dislike? Or something that you're so passionate about that it feels like it's part of your soul?

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Monday, August 25, 2014

Monday Ramblings


Hello Monday! Or Goodnight Monday, depending on how you want to look at it. Pheeww! I am finally sitting down after a busy day. I'd better get used to it because it's only going to get busier. You know that saying, Making a big life change is scary, but you know what's even scarier? Regret,  well that's what I am experiencing at the moment. I was all for all these changes  - still am -- but now it's reality.  I keep wanting to go back to my old way of thinking but then I think back to all the things I used to want out of life, and what the future will hold for me. I can't stay stuck anymore. It's going to be worth it…I have to keep repeating that to myself.

I've got another layout to share with you.



The quote I used on this layout resonated so much with me. The way I presented myself to others was the way I felt about myself; weird, uncomfortable and insecure. I had a very negative self image and was very uncomfortable with myself so in return I was very negative and uncomfortable around other people. I never realized how I portrayed myself to others affected every aspect of my life from building friendships & connecting with people, down to my finding a job.

I was chatting with a friend (not the friend I wrote about in this layout) after I went on an interview and was feeling down in the dumps because the interview had no gone well. I asked for an honest opinion of what I was doing wrong - I had always received compliments on my resume, I'm smart, I had the skills, & I was receiving interviews but never ended up getting a job - I wanted to know. Honestly.

Well I received an honest answer. That I gave off a bad uncomfortable vibe.  I thought back to innocent  comments made to me in the past year and it all started to make sense. I needed to change that. I needed to start thinking better of myself. It didn't happen right away because in all honesty, I didn't want to believe it. Then everything started to unfold with all the interactions I've had recently that I've been writing about here. It was true.

I was uncomfortable with myself so in turn, I was uncomfortable around others. Whoa. Who would have thought. It's not going to change overnight but I have gotten better. Sometimes in certain situations I find myself wanting to crawl back into my shell but then I have to remind myself…FAKE IT. It's not easy but I'm hoping eventually I don't have to fake it…one day I hope to actually be confident and comfortable in my own skin.

I hope you don't mind all these serious posts I've been writing lately. I've just been stuck in a rut both in my job and my personal life.  It feels so good to write about the things I'm learning and hopefully someone somewhere can relate and feel that they aren't alone. I wish it didn't take me until 30 to figure out all of this but the way I see it is that I'm coming out of this a much better person because of my experiences than if I had learned this in my 20's.

Well That's all I've got for today. Hope you all had a fantastic Monday!






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