Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Ctrl+Z


I've really been enjoying digital scrapbooking. It's more forgiving. Ctrl+Z and your mistake is gone. If only that worked in real life, huh? That'd be awesome. I know a few moments in life that I would like to  Ctrl+Z. Actually, I know of a lot of moments that I'd like to Ctrl+Z but I can't, so the next best thing to do is use it as a lesson.

I feel so different since this epiphany. I know I keep talking about it, but I really do. I feel like a completely different person. In such a short time too. I'm not completely changed, but my attitude has completely turned around. I smile for real now. Not just to fake being happy at work or in public. I ACTUALLY am happy; something I don't think I've been for a long time. Running helps.  I am so glad I started.

The other day I didn't want to run but since this is only my second week I went anyway. The first bit was a bit rough, then I just kept going and going. I ran the longest I had run before without stopping for a walking break. It felt great. Todays run on the other hand was crappy, mainly due to the pants I was wearing….Yeah, when running make sure your pants fit so you're not pulling them up every two seconds. Oh well! Now I know.

So many things are happening. It's kind of crazy. I still am waiting for the doom to pop up on me, because that's what I have been used to the last however many years. I don't think anything too horrible  is up to bat any time soon…but there is still a little bit of skepticism. Not enough for me to stop doing what I'm doing though. I'm just going to enjoy everything. Honestly though, I think I've had enough crappy stuff happen over the last 10 years, that I'm not due for a while at least.

Okay, so now for the layout. 





This isn't my favorite but it documents the short version of why I want to go back to school. School is one of the moments I'd like to Ctrl+Z. I'd love to be able to go back to my Senior year of high school, not let the drama and insecurities affect me. I'd love to go back and put my heart and soul into my school work because I know I was much more capable of getting C's and D's. Getting an A in college algebra, my first year of college was proof that a little bit of effort goes a long way.  I'd love to go back and put the effort in and get good grades and have the whole college experience, rather than have my only option be a community college. (was my only option for a few reasons, not even just academically)  I'll stop now, because I'd essentially change my entire path. Had I done that though, I probably wouldn't be in the same place I am now. My experiences made me grateful and appreciate a lot things that most people take for granted.

One thing I wouldn't Ctrl+Z is making one more attempt to get the person that wasn't speaking to me (the straw that broke the camels back, remember?) to at least hear what I had to say about this whole experience. It worked. Granted it was only via text, but I didn't like the way we had left things off and being the person that I am, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had to try one more time before I accepted things for how they were.. I can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. Well, it worked.  It's only been a short time, but if this person were to see me today, they would be surprised at the changes I have made.   As I said, it's so strange but I feel like a completely different person.

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Monday, July 28, 2014

Ramblings and a layout


Hey! How was everyone's Monday? I hope it was great. Mine was a relaxing do nothing kind of day. Don't you just love those? Since starting this new job I've been working 40 hours so I haven't had much time to do anything. I've been dabbling in digital scrapbooking during my free time after everyone has gone to bed. Other than that, I haven't done much else other than catch up on the news, and regular every day stuff. 



You know what's funny?  ------I'm afraid of jinxing myself but I'm going to say it anyway -----I was more tired working 12 hours a week than I am working 40. Maybe because it's new. Who knows, but I will take it. It's funny too because I thought I was going to be nervous but I am not even in the slightest. Never in a million years did I think I had the personality to sell stuff but I think I'm catching on. I feel like a new person. Honestly. That sounds weird but I do. Ever since my epiphany, it's like the dark cloud that has been hanging over my head for so long has lifted. My attitude is more positive, I wake up with more energy, things that used to bother me don't bother me anymore, I'm not afraid to put myself out there and not be as shy or try new stuff. The list goes one. It's only been a short time but I am on the road to change. I notice people even talk to me more. Before I swear I scared people away. Now, I feel like there is a whole different energy about me. I'm not afraid anymore to be myself, give my opinions, or do what I want. I've started talking about myself a bit more and opening up (fine line, people don't need to know my whole life drama) and it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. This is a good thing.  I can't thank the person enough that said what they said. Not that it was them entirely, it was more like the last straw.

My 30's are going to be good. I can feel it.


I will say this though. I *ALMOST* gave up. I was going over my budget the other day…my budget is not very big and at first I thought there was no way for me to fit in the $150 dollar deposit for school. I cried, I almost ripped up my acceptance letter (almost. Didn't), and basically threw a temper tantrum in anger. Well, I woke up the next day and told myself that I have to do it no matter what. NO GIVING UP!!! I went back to my budget and cut back on grocery budget for the next two weeks so I could write that check.

So, it's pasta, beans, homemade pizza, and frozen fruit for the next two weeks. I hope you guys aren't expecting any recipes. Hahaha!


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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A Layout & Discovery


I kind of had an epiphany a few Saturday ago. I was scrapbooking and prettying up my new 'Work Notes' notebook and  I was thinking. I swear to you, my brain NEVER shuts off. I try to shut it off only to end up thinking too much about a solution to shut it off….yeah. That's my brain. ANYWAY.  I was thinking about what I am good at. I'm good at a lot of things but I went through a huge list of things before I finally figured it out as whole. I have been looking at everything wrong all along.

I am good at solutions.

There hasn't been a situation in my life where I haven't been able to figure whether it be something serious in life or trying to figure out placement for furniture/decorations in a given space.

Take a look for second.

When I took graphic design, I didn't really enjoy the drawing part.  Drawing and coming up with my own ideas in a drawing sense is very difficult for me. (does that make sense??? I don't know how to explain it)  I had never drawn or had interest in drawing until I took up this major in school. Even then, all my drawings were of the same things. Even coming up with my digital kits is really difficult. 

But...

When I'm given a whole jumble elements, I am able to come up with a solution as to how they will work best with each other.  Which brings me to

Scrapbooking.



I love scrapbooking, whether it be traditional or digital. I don't think I will ever get sick of it.  I will probably be scrapbooking until the day I die.

Then there is

Interior Design

When it came time in high school to think about which path to take,  cooking and interior design were high on my list. English was there too because I could write until my hand falls off, and then some,  but I haven't figured out how writing fits into this whole solution thing.

Anyway. It was a toss up between those three. Because of Life, I chose with Graphic Design.  A major I had never even considered before seeing it on the application.

Growing up the only "game" I ever played on the computer was with home design software. I loved taking a premade floor plan and decorating the whole hours, from floor samples, to paint colors, to cabinetry and furniture arrangement. I loved it, and I was good at it.

My apartment is only 850sqft. If you walked in, with the amount of things I have in here, and the placement I have you would think I live in a much larger apartment. I'm not just saying
 that, multiple people have made comments. I seem to have a knack for taking things and putting them in the most efficient way, and make them look good. A

Customer service.
I have calmed more customers down than I count that others have tried and failed. I'm good at problem solving.

Puzzles.

An actual puzzle. I don't know how I do it but I can just look at piece and know where it is supposed to go.  I haven't made a puzzle in a while, but now that I'm thinking about it…I may just have to do one.

Fixing

I love to fix things. 90% of the time, I don't need a manual. I can just look at something and put it together and make it work. I'm also very handy. I love assembling things too. I'm pretty good at it, and rarely need the instruction.

 Also, everyone seems comes to me for advice…sometimes I wish I knew how to take my own advice though ;)

I'm just good at taking all the pieces and putting them together in the best possible way. Now I just need to figure out how to apply this to my everyday life and figuring out which type of career path I want to take. Getting in to school was the fist step. Hopefully I will be able to figure it out soon enough.

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Lesson and something else


SO many positive things have been happening. It's really great. With my track record, I keep waiting for something bad to happen again. It almost seems like I am due...but I'm not letting that get me down.  How could I? Especially after opening my mail today




EEEEEEEKKKKK!!! Notgonnalie,  I'm terrified actually that things have been falling in to place like this. It's almost one of those too good to be true things. I keep looking over my shoulder, expecting something bad to happen because that is what happened in the past. I am too excited though to let any negativity get me down.  Most people have advised me to go the community college route. I tried that.  So with this new mindset I had to try something different. I can't keep running in circles. So I stopped and applied to a more challenging school. Maybe it was the classes I took, but *FOR ME* that was the easy way out. It wasn't challenging for me. So I decided on this local college…well now it's a university…because I feel like it will give me what I need to succeed and stick with it.  Being the person I am, I know what I am capable of and this will be exactly what I need. I can feel it. My thinking is probably weird, but it makes sense to me. I know what I need to do and just jump right in.

I wasn't expecting this as soon as it came. I figured it would be a few more weeks, even though all my documents were received.  Well,  I was out for my second run of the week ---yup. I did it!! I'll get in to that in a second though -- and I was ready to collapse when I decided to check the mail. There it was. I think my heart raced even more than it already was. I went in my apartment, crashed on the bed and opened a tiny corner of the envelope and cautiously peeked inside. When I saw the Congratulations, I ripped that sucker open. I wasn't expecting to get accepted in to the Fall Semester, since…oh, it starts in September…well I did. Even though I planned on going full time in the spring, I'm wondering if it would be fine to just take a class, then start the full time in January..if I can't figure out finacial aid in a month..   My whole plan was worked out for me getting in to the Spring Semester.  Starting in January. I put both on my application because I kept going back and fourth…LOL. I'm a planner and had it all worked out in my head that I would have ample time to figure out financial aide since the priority deadline had already passed for the school. Yeah, that plan is definitely foiled…but I will figure it out.

Hopefully.

Okay. So Running. Sunday I came home from work to an empty house. I was thinking the entire day about running and trying to pep myself up for going on Monday. When I got home though  I said "Screw it. I'm not starting this cycle of putting everything off again. I'm just going to do it." I put all my work stuff away and get into my new workout gear. Then sat on my bed for a half hour coming up with excuses as to why it was a bad idea to go running. I couldn't think of any good reason as to why it was a bad idea, so I tried to come up with ways to disguise myself. When all my ideas ended up making me look even more ridiculous than my running, I decided I would use music to drown out the world.

I put my earphones in and blasted the music, really loud. Like really really loud. And I just went. As I started running, a car started coming near. I seriously thought about jumping into a nearby bush until all the traffic in the world disappeared  but again, I told myself I was being the ridiculous one.  The car passed me, and I smiled to myself because it wasn't too bad. NO ONE CARES. I only went around 2 blocks before I had to head home because if I had gone any further, I'd be crawling home because my legs had turned to Jell-o long before starting my second block.

When I got home, I took out my earphones and could still hear the music playing in my head. NEVER will I listen to it that loud again. Lol. But I realized two things. The first was that all my fears were ridiculous scenarios that I had created because all the people I passed were too occupied with their own lives to even notice me. Even the ones that did, smiled or waved. I wasn't ridiculed or have things thrown at me like I had feared. Yes, I know, LOL.  The second thing I learned was that

No matter how much you walk, running is an entirely different ballgame. My poor legs!

Jell-o legs didn't stop me from going out yesterday. I actually even went my entire walking route. I didn't run the entire thing, because I'd probably have to be carried home but I did it. And you know what. It wasn't that bad.

So many things are changing. For the better. I'm terrified and excited to see what the future holds. We'll see what happens.

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Monday, July 21, 2014

Project Life Layout


Happy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine wasn't too bad. Saturday I didn't work so it was just kind of a laid back do nothing kind of day. I did get out of the house for a few hours but I'll explain that when I show you last weeks Project life layout. Sunday I worked. I'm getting a little frustrated because I was supposed to be officially moved to training…if it doesn't happen this week, I'm going to have to wait until another pay period. They can back date me but with so many different hoops we have to jump through now, miscommunication, and vacations things are still up in the air. I should find out today. Even though I am going on my third week of waiting, I'm still remaining optimistic. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback about the move to a different department and I am looking forward to the challenge.

Okay, Last week was kind of boring, so I only have one layout for Project Life.  At first I was stressing about it thinking I *needed* to do a two page spread every week. After thinking about it though, I didn't think I'd have the Project Life police come knocking on my door to enforce a set of imaginary rules. So one layout it was. I'm sure there will be weeks where a two page spread isn't enough. 



The first picture is of Jacob. He has really broken out of his shell and started making friends with some of the other kids in my building. If one of them isn't out there, they ring each others door bell, or if the back door is open, they yell up and ask if the kid isn't out there can come out in play. All week they've been outside playing all day, from 9-until dinner time. After dinner they usually go out again until it starts getting dark. It's really great to see.

The next picture is of my new running shoes that I bought on Saturday. I LOVE hot pink and just had to get them. :) They are comfortable too which is a plus. Lol. Running is something I've always wanted to do but put it off due to anxiety and having the feeling of looking like an idiot when I run. With this whole new beginning that's going on in my life, I decided I have to get rid of that feeling and just do it.  You'll have to stay tuned to see if I did that. *wink*.

The next is just a list of personal goals.

In the next photo I talk about anxiety and what I do to help me overcome some of my fears. The anxiety I have is 100% caused by my confident issues. Another thing I'm working on. See, I told you. No perfection.

The next photo is a view of the rain from my window. After it cleared up it created one of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen.

Next to that photo is a before and after of Jacobs room. I HATED the set up of his room so one day last week I took all his toys and thing, threw them in a big heap in the middle of room and went through everything. After I rearranged some furniture, put his unused dresser in the closet and it's now used for clothes storage/toy storage. I hung up some pictures and a shelf. Now he can actually play in there and I won't have to worry about him getting lost. LOL!.

Well, that's it for today! I hope you have a fantastic week. See you tomorrow!

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Friday, July 18, 2014

Confidence times two


Morning! How's it going? Yesterday was a great day. Not only did I get a lot of organizing done around the house, I also am so proud of Jacob for breaking out of his shell and making some new friends with a few kids that live in my complex. This was something his teachers were concerned about all last year, and were still concerned about with the upcoming school year.  Now that they all know each other they are outside constantly. Yesterday Jacob was outside from 9:30am until 7:00! He only came in the house for a snack, drink, or bathroom break. Lunch and dinner were spent outside picnic style.  It's great to see him finally come out of his shell because I did not want him to have to go through the same struggles I had growing up.

Today I've got two things to share with you since they are about the same subject. Confidence. Ugh…This isn't something that I like admitting, but scrapping about it is therapeutic. Getting it out and writing about it helps me put things in perspective. I also LOVE writing. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. It's one of my favorite parts of scrapbooking.

Okay, so back to confidence. Confidence is something I've struggled with most of my life. There have been points in my life where I have been super confident and there have been times where my confidence was at an all time low.  I know why I have this issue…I'm not sure if you're able to read the journaling or not, but feel free to  try. Lol. There are a lot a reason, but the one I wrote about is the major one and I didn't realize it affected me as much as it did until a few years ago.  Basically it talks about comparison, being called things that others think are harmless, and having your individuality completely squashed, and being made to feel different by people that are supposed to love and support you growing up. Over time it takes a toll on a person and you really do start to feel different and never good enough.  It's been a work in progress and I'm finally beginning to see that light at the end of that tunnel.



 Losing as much weight as I have, has definitely helped boost my confidence a bit, but I still get doubtful at times. I even was hesitant of taking this job for a number of reasons but the pros out weigh the cons by a landslide. I figure if other people have confidence in me, I need to start having it in myself. No more being stuck. I KNOW I am smart and I KNOW I am capable of doing so much more than I have done. That is going to change. No more maybes, No more being doubtful and talking myself out of everything. Just more doing. I'm just going to have to figure things out as I go along. Isn't that what people do?


I've been on a massive creative spree lately. So I made a layout about this same subject. I think it came out great! I didn't add this into the journaling, because design wise I couldn't make it look good, but in the photo there are three things in there that in the past would NEVER have been there --First, a photo of me, Me wearing sunglasses and those big earrings. (MY FAV, BTW!!!). In the past, my confidence was so low I used to even remove my sunglasses whenever I was around people, even at a stop light or the drive through for fear of being told I look stupid. I was even afraid to wear the earring I liked because of one persons comment. In reality, I get so many compliments on them. I think big earrings suit me well :) ……yeah. I am not even close to being that bad anymore. Thank goodness. I was hesitant on even writing that here, but hey, it's a part of my life. Like I said a few posts ago. No perfection here.  Thankfully I know what the problem is, where it comes from and am working through fixing it.



 I know I talked vaguely about a few interactions I have had with people, but there was one incident that made me go "Whoa! Wait a sec, what the heck is going on with me? Who the heck am I and what the heck have I turned in to? THIS.IS.NOT.ME. Or who I want to be. Something has to change. TODAY." Not that this person was the reason for my changing, because I had already been thinking about things and coming up with a plan, but it was the final straw that made me want to get on track with my goals, and actually put things in to action. In the past I had always wanted things, but made excuse after excuse then ended getting discouraged when nothing ever turned out the way I want. NOT ANYMORE!  I hope one day I get the chance to offer up a proper apology for acting like a weird crazy idiot (that's extreme, but that's what I feel like) and a Thanks because it made me realize I was not going down the path I wanted to go down.It was not going to be pretty.

Well, that was a long post. :) If you can't finish it in one sitting you've got the weekend. Which by the way, I hope is a Fantastic one. See you Monday!

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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Digital Layout: What's the Reason

Morning! I've been good with blogging this week. I've been on a creative roll this week. I keep meaning to cook up something  yummy but I've been on a creative roll this week. I love cooking but I hope this creative streak continues. I've been addicted to digital scrapbooking lately, so rather than just do the digital version of project life, I thought I'd try out making a layout or two. This layout I'm sharing today is how I believe that everything happens for a reason, my questioning as to why it's taken me until 30 to figure a lot of stuff out, and how from this point on I need to just jump at every opportunity that is handed to me. Also to just be myself.




Yeah. There is a lot going on word wise, but if you read it, it all ties in together. It's amazing how a few experiences, and sentences can change your entire thinking and outlook. I guess you have to be at that point where you know things need to change for anything to make a bit of sense. It's been a crazy ride for sure. I wish I was comfortable enough to explain everything as a whole rather than be vague about things but there is so much going on.  Maybe one day. That would be a series of epic post though. LOL. All I know is that I am coming out of this the person that I have always wanted to be. I can't snap my fingers and change things in an instant, but I am on the right track. I KNOW I will get to where I want to be.


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